This is a very personal post to me (Mindi) and most men would probably not want to read this/be interested. This is my kite flying analogy to breastfeeding.
Since I knew what breastfeeding was I wanted to breastfeed my child. Besides the health benefits I realized that bonding with my child was something I really wanted. Many years ago I had a breast reduction but was assured that I would most likely be able to breastfeed (obstacle #1). When Mason was born I didn't expect him to have jaundice, but I dealt with it by following what the nurses and doctors pushed in the hospital, which was supplementing with formula (obstacle #2). Being a first time Mom I regret this and would definitely fight against this if there is a next time.
About 1-2 weeks after we got home I got Mastitis , and while it was painful I was still able to nurse him on that side, just not as often (obstacle #3). From there I started to have post-partum depression. I have realized that a lot of that depression has been tied to breastfeeding. After awhile I sought out help since this breastfeeding thing was not working. I made an appointment with an IBCLC in Salt Lake who was expensive. Then I found a network of IBCLC's that were free through the state. I started meeting with them weekly, for about 6-8 weeks. Mason would do ok for a day or two and then revert back to not feeding or screaming every time I did try.
The next few obstacles came pretty quickly. He would scream in a cradle and football hold. We were given opinions that he had torticollis or maybe needed PT to stretch out his neck muscles. We found out he had lip and tongue tie plus acid reflux within a week (which explained the torticollis and neck issues). He had the lip and tongue revision and we finally found a medicine that has worked for the reflux (obstacles # 4 and 5).
Throughout this process we have tried skin to skin, SNS, changing positions, half bottles and half breast, but I have thrown in the towel now. No more trying. I have given up! I am pretty sure that he has nipple confusion and it is painful for him to be in feeding positions due to the reflux. I hate to see him scream and suffer, plus I hate to bring on the depression trying to make it work.
This has been the hardest part for me in the whole process of bringing a child into the world. Pregnancy was hard, labor was hard, but I would do those again in a heartbeat over Breastfeeding.
So last Sunday I came home from church earlier then the rest of the family because Mason was fussy/tired. When I got home and he was settled I started pumping. I have been pumping all along to give him whatever milk I can (which has never been more then 5 oz. tops). As I looked out the window (I am where nobody can see me, don't worry) some neighbors were flying kites. I also happened to be listening to the talk "Yielding Our Hearts to God," by Neill Marriott. The timing of this could not have been better. I started to cry when I heard the words of an old Protestant Hymn she shared, which were:
Have Thine own way, Lord!
Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter;
I am the clay.
Mould me and make me
After Thy will,
While I am waiting,
Yielded and still.
Later she shared her family theme: “It will all work out.” It hit me, it really all will work out. I had/have done everything I possibly could think of to make this happen, including praying, BUT maybe it isn't His will. I don't know why, but I am just the kite, the clay, the instrument. I fly where He wants me to go. I am molded how He wants me and I should be instrument towards my family and others. I cannot force things. Kites have many obstacles, but the wind is what drives them. I may want righteous thing and cannot understand why I don't get them, but kites can fly in all types of circumstances (and babies are fed in many different types of ways). I hope this all makes sense. I still have a hard time that I cannot breastfeed Mason, but I am grateful that he is getting some of my milk. I am trying to let myself be fully led by his will and have faith, but I am imperfect. I am so grateful I was finally able to have a child after waiting for so many years, his smiles are so worth it (plus his step brothers love him so)!!!
