Kite Flying

This is a very personal post to me (Mindi) and most men would probably not want to read this/be interested.  This is my kite flying analogy to breastfeeding. 

 

Since I knew what breastfeeding was I wanted to breastfeed my child.  Besides the health benefits I realized that bonding with my child was something I really wanted.  Many years ago I had a breast reduction but was assured that I would most likely be able to breastfeed (obstacle #1).  When Mason was born I didn't expect him to have jaundice, but I dealt with it by following what the nurses and doctors pushed in the hospital, which was supplementing with formula (obstacle #2).  Being a first time Mom I regret this and would definitely fight against this if there is a next time. 

 

About 1-2 weeks after we got home I got Mastitis , and while it was painful I was still able to nurse him on that side, just not as often (obstacle #3).  From there I started to have post-partum depression.  I have realized that a lot of that depression has been tied to breastfeeding.  After awhile I sought out help since this breastfeeding thing was not working.  I made an appointment with an IBCLC in Salt Lake who was expensive.  Then I found a network of IBCLC's that were free through the state.  I started meeting with them weekly, for about 6-8 weeks.  Mason would do ok for a day or two and then revert back to not feeding or screaming every time I did try. 

 

The next few obstacles came pretty quickly.  He would scream in a cradle and football hold.  We were given opinions that he had torticollis or maybe needed PT to stretch out his neck muscles.  We found out he had lip and tongue tie plus acid reflux within a week (which explained the torticollis and neck issues).  He had the lip and tongue revision and we finally found a medicine that has worked for the reflux (obstacles # 4 and 5). 

 

Throughout this process we have tried skin to skin, SNS, changing positions, half bottles and half breast, but I have thrown in the towel now.  No more trying. I have given up!  I am pretty sure that he has nipple confusion and it is painful for him to be in feeding positions due to the reflux.  I hate to see him scream and suffer, plus I hate to bring on the depression trying to make it work.

 

This has been the hardest part for me in the whole process of bringing a child into the world.  Pregnancy was hard, labor was hard, but I would do those again in a heartbeat over Breastfeeding. 

 

So last Sunday I came home from church earlier then the rest of the family because Mason was fussy/tired.  When I got home and he was settled I started pumping.  I have been pumping all along to give him whatever milk I can (which has never been more then 5 oz. tops).  As I looked out the window (I am where nobody can see me, don't worry) some neighbors were flying kites.  I also happened to be listening to the talk "Yielding Our Hearts to God," by Neill Marriott.  The timing of this could not have been better.  I started to cry when I heard the words of an old Protestant Hymn she shared, which were:

 

Have Thine own way, Lord!

Have Thine own way!

Thou art the Potter;

I am the clay.

Mould me and make me

After Thy will,

While I am waiting,

Yielded and still.

 

Later she shared her family theme: “It will all work out.”  It hit me, it really all will work out.  I had/have done everything I possibly could think of to make this happen, including praying, BUT maybe it isn't His will.  I don't know why, but I am just the kite, the clay, the instrument.  I fly where He wants me to go.  I am molded how He wants me and I should be instrument towards my family and others.  I cannot force things.  Kites have many obstacles, but the wind is what drives them.  I may want righteous thing and cannot understand why I don't get them, but kites can fly in all types of circumstances (and babies are fed in many different types of ways).  I hope this all makes sense.  I still have a hard time that I cannot breastfeed Mason, but I am grateful that he is getting some of my milk.  I am trying to let myself be fully led by his will and have faith, but I am imperfect.  I am so grateful I was finally able to have a child after waiting for so many years, his smiles are so worth it (plus his step brothers love him so)!!! 

 

 

 

Worthiness

The end of February I went to the Provo City Center Temple open house by myself, well with Mason.  This was because I had not been able to get tickets for the whole family since they were only available during school hours.  It was overwhelming to step onto sacred ground after not going for so long due to being sick (morning sickness) and having a baby.  Naturally I cried when I walked onto the grounds.  The spirit was overwhelming for me.

Luckily that day I was able to find tickets for the whole family for a few days later.

For FHE before we attended the temple as a family we talked about worthiness.  When we asked the boys what worthiness was it was fun to hear one say, "like being worthy to bear the hammer of Thor," since they love the Avengers.  It was also good to know that they really knew what it meant.  They were very reverent going through the tour and all had favorite parts.  I was and am so grateful to be sealed as a family, worthy to enter the temple, and love that I can go there for peace.   

Peterson Pending

The month's have flown by and I have just a few minutes to get this post started while the baby sleeps.  It is weird to think that I have not written since September, but I didn't feel great most of my pregnancy.  Time did, however, go by really fast.  Our guest date for baby boy was January 1st, but I knew since it was my first baby that he would be late.  I had contractions on and off for a few month's but nothing regular.  I kept thinking that he would be born on Ryan's birthday, January 5th, but I really didn't care what date since I never really got to the really uncomfortable stage.  

For the two weeks before he was born the boys were with their Mom, which we had planed since we took them to Disneyland as their Christmas present.  I really looked forward to this time because it would be the last time I got to spend time with Ryan without kids and to make last minute preparations for the baby.  We also got to celebrate Christmas week with my family, although that consisted of me sitting around a lot.  I did enjoy watching my nieces and nephews, getting a pedicure with my sister in laws, the meals made by my Mom, and seeing the excitement of kids opening presents.  We didn't go and do much besides eating out twice as a family and going with my brother, Ryan's, family to see the Norman Rockwell exhibit.  All the family did come over to our house for hot cocoa and cookies, but we just talked.  

The day the boys got back from their Mom's, Ryan's parents picked them up and brought them.  We are forever grateful for this since I couldn't travel and they wanted to relieve some of Ryan's stress.  We planned to have dinner, open the small Christmas we had for them, and eat Ryan's Birthday dessert early.  This was January 3rd and the boys came back exhausted and all of them had been sick over the break, one still was.  Only Ryan and I were really hungry, but Ryan's parent's still ate.  We had meatloaf, mashed potatoes, rolls, veggies, and a chocolate Oreo trifle that Ryan had requested (pretty much just the two of us ate it that night).  Ryan and I were stuffed.  We quickly opened presents so the boys could get to bed and be ready for school the next morning.  Ryan kept commenting how bad the timing would be to have the baby in the next two days because he had taken the last two weeks off.  I prayed that it also wouldn't happen, but thought it would be my luck.  Still I didn't care when he came.

As we laid down for bed that night, I took my usual B6 and Unisom to help with morning sickness and sleep.  I was lying in bed thinking about baby and drifting off to sleep.   All of a sudden I felt a gush of water and I mean big.  I'm ashamed to say I swore.  I wasn't ready!  I needed a full night sleep, Ryan had a major work day in the morning, and the boys had to get back in a routine.  Plus I wanted to labor mostly at home, but my Midwife said if my water broke I had to go into the hospital within 4 hours.  She did add that most first time Mom's don't have their water break...just my luck, right? So I called labor and delivery to make sure I was remembering correctly and then we called Grandma Zobell to come over.  I told her to take her time since I wasn't happy about going to the hospital early and I wasn't having regular contractions yet.  

My Mom (Janet) arrived about 12:15.  My water had broke about 10:15.  One the way to the hospital I had major heartburn, more so then any contractions, but I was 100% sure my water had broke.  I made Ryan stop at Smith's so we could buy Antacids, but then I didn't take any until I asked the nurses.  We arrived at the hospital at 1:15, but I didn't really start to labor until 2:15.  I am glad that I did finally go into labor because I didn't want pitocin or any drugs.  For about the first four hours things were pretty manageable.  I had made a music playlist, but didn't want to listen to it.  I had spent hours studying hypnobabies, but didn't really use it as much as I could have.  When things really started to progress focusing on my breathing is what helped the most.  Ryan holding my hand, counter pressure from Ryan and the nurses, and encouraging words also helped.  I was so happy that I had got a room with a jetted tub as that seemed to also help.  If you would have based labor just on the first four hours I would have said it wasn't that bad or pretty easy.  The last four hours were the hardest!  I kept praying for the contractions to stop or that I would deliver soon.  In the first four hours I threw up a lot after bad contractions, so all my food, antacids, and other bodily fluids were long gone by the time he was born.  The three things I consistently thought about were the pain,  that my Mom (Debbie) was there helping me, and that this was comparable to the the Atonement or something akin to what the Savior must have felt.  I hated that my Midwife kept having me move or change positions right as I would get comfortable or relax.  At about 9 a.m., after falling asleep between almost every contraction, I told the nurse that I felt like I needed to push.  She checked me and said I was ready and called my midwife to come back from her clinical's (in the building next door).

I started pushing before she got back, but found I did best whenever I had two support people.  If Ryan was eating, I needed my nurse and midwife.  Ryan was just as tired as I was and was falling asleep too.  My Midwife, Michelle Grubb, is the best.  She kept asking Ryan how he was doing and got him some food.  I loved my midwife to death along with the nurses and Lonepeak Hospital.  After what seemed like forever since I started pushing I looked and the clock and thought, "I want him out by 10:00."  I quickly forgot about this and went back to pushing.  I actually liked pushing more then just laboring because it seemed to make the contractions go away.  After an hour of pushing he was born at exactly 10:00 a.m.  My midwife said 8 hours of labor and one hour of pushing was really good!  I felt like the pushing was the longest part and I found out afterwards from Ryan that he had the cord wrapped around his neck twice so she kept pushing him back in so his heart rate wouldn't change.  I was worried about the afterbirth.  They took him away pretty quickly, which I hadn't wanted, but they had to clear his airway, but I got him back very quickly.  In that time I got to see the cord and placenta and was chatting with my midwife.  I had torn, but by the time I needed stitches he was back on my chest and I barely felt anything.  They also started to press on my stomach, but I was just interested in my 8 pound 10 once little (I guess big) guy, 21 inches.  About this time I wondered why there were so many nurses in the room.  I guess it is a standard thing to have 1-5 nurses in there when you are about to deliver.

We had a list of names we were trying to decide between and when he was born we still didn't know.  We were both so tired all we wanted to do was take a nap.  I first ordered a big lunch since I was starving and shared it with Ryan.  I got a steak salad with a bunch of sides and was very impressed with the hospital food.  Then he took a nap first since I was preoccupied with the baby and texting people.  I ended up only getting a 30 minute nap with all the people coming and going.  I was so ready to go home the next day because of the constant people coming and going.  I didn't want visitor's while I was in the hospital so I could get sleep and also so he wouldn't get sick, but we did allow our parents, Emily, and Lara to visit.  Besides these people we had nurses, lactation specialists, a heart and hearing specialist, the hospital register, the director of nurses, and the neonatoligist that came and went.  I was so bugged by this because all I wanted was sleep.  The next morning we had a photographer come to take pictures of him.  We had won the photography session on Facebook.  I was excited to have her visit, unlike all the rest.  We had not given baby boy a bath when he was born, but I decided to wash his hair right before the photography session since he still had blood in it.  It was so fun to see the curl in his hair.  A lot of people say he looks like me, but I think he is half and half of us.  She took amazing pictures and shared them all on Facebook, which I wasn't happy about.  I texted her and let her know how embarrassed I was and she apologized and took them down.  Apparently it says something about her sharing on her blog, but she forgot to mention it to me.  I later let her share certain ones with my permission.  

While she was there the nurse came in and gave us some bad news.  We would have to stay longer because baby had jaundice.  Thus began the downhill spiral of things not in my control.  We ended up staying two more days and had to give him formula.  I didn't want him to have formula or a pacifier and he got both.  I did end up feeling like the hospital was my second home by the time we left.  I loved the nurses and didn't want to leave.  I loved the food, loved getting sleep, loved not having to cook, clean, or watch kids, and most of all loved the time I just got to spend with baby and Ryan.

Although he was born on January 4th we didn't decide on a name until the 6th.  Until we picked his name all the bracelets and forms said "Peterson Pending."  We had narrowed it down to two names (the other was Jake) by that time and found out the boys all liked Mason and that Drew could actually say it.  We named him Mason Mitchell Peterson.  I love that it points to all sides of my family.  Obviously Peterson is Ryan's side, Mitchell is my Mom's side, the double initial "MM," like myself, is a Zobell thing, and Mason is just us.  I was discharged that night, but got to stay Scot free because of Mason.  

The next morning I was excited to go home, but also scared.  Ryan came and picked me up, we paid the hospital bill on the way out so we could get a 20% discount, and then we drove home through fog.  I remember mixed emotions the whole way home.  Home felt so foreign to me since I had not slept in my bed for 4 nights, the longest since I have been married.  Little did I know what was in store for me when I got home.

Now looking back on everything, the pregnancy, labor, delivery, recovery for myself, lack of sleep, crazy emotions, and breastfeeding, I can hands down tell you the hardest part has been the emotions and breastfeeding.  I would be pregnant and in labor again over those things.  It also doesn't help when you are exhausted!  I love Mason to death, but my life changed in way's I never imagined.  I rarely have time for myself and think it is a miracle when I have time to get something to eat.  I have focused almost everything on the baby and very little on the other boy's and Ryan.  I am slowly giving Ryan more attention, but still finding a balance with everything else.  I find myself missing the hospital still because I was taken care of, got sleep, and had strong emotions.  Plus since we have been home I had mastitis and Mason has had eating issues.  The pediatrician thought he had a food allergy and I had to change my diet.  We went to the allergist and he tested negative for allergies.  I have kept my diet clean in hopes to improve breastfeeding, but it has gotten worse and he basically will only eat formula now.  We meet with an IBCLC (a lactation specialist) this week.

I am sure I will remember more details in the future, but Mason is waking up now.  I am adding some of the pictures that the photographer took, but if you want to see them all (namely the lovely ones of me) just ask me.  So happy for this change in our family, but exhausted.